[blanket memshare catching starter that i'm throwing into everyone's catchalls let me know if you want to start with a memory or i will!! this is so lazy but i'm assuming we're all writing the memories right now woohoo]
he watches the memory with his same, passive expression. he isn't the type of person to get emotional in any situation, and this is the same. even if he feels like he has a better understanding of that conversation they had all those weeks ago.
so he brings back an old question:]
You would still return to your home after this tour?
[ in some ways, it's better if he isn't emotional about it. she hates pity most of all. she was angry in that memory, all her hidden hurts boiling the surface, but here, almost fully dead in this weird part of the ship, she is more tired than angry. ]
I would die. Were I not here in the belly and had not killed and was not executed, if I did not return, I would die.
You, with your goal of preserving life, would you choose to die?
You're so certain that your life force is attached to your home? Were you not on the ship without complications?
[he'd seen the memory. the repetition. there’s nothing anyone can ever do to change that. but is this not already a deviation from anything she'd ever expected?]
Our situations cannot be compared. [in terms of what he would choose or not. even if he is more aware of her context, he doesn't believe in constraints.] All I can say is that when I was given a deadline of twenty-three years of age, I defied it. Even though everyone ridiculed my father and grandfather saying that the curse of Death could not be helped.
[ their situations are not the same, but her question is still valid in her mind. ]
The nanites or whatever are interfering.
[ being nerfed is saving her life, probably. ]
There has been some research done in how to free the Raven Consort, but it has not been fruitful yet. My life is not attached to my country. I learned more than what was in that memory not too long ago.
[ scien does not believe in constraints, but all shouxue knows are constraints. ]
Your circumstances may have led you to extend your life, but for now, trying to extricate me from what makes me the Raven Consort would rip my soul apart.
[ it is infuriating, but it is also tiresome. he makes it sound like it'd be so simple. he may have been seen as a god, but her entire issue is someone who is seen as a goddess. ]
I do not think it is so simple because once Niao Lian chooses her next Winter King, the previous dies not long after she is left behind.
[ there is more to it, but she is not quite ready to acknowledge or admit it quite yet. ]
And there is no guarantee she will choose a next one even if we could be separated like you suggest. I could not shoulder my country collapsing because I wanted to be free.
[he considers that thoughtfully. it sounds like such a hell. scien doesn't like his country very much either, but he vows to save it. even if his actions became more limited, he doesn't think he'd stop seeing to its well-being.
but it'd be different if he felt confined so obviously.]
Do you like your country? Or is it the idea of basic human decency that you can't stand the idea of having so many deaths fall upon your shoulders?
I have no love for my country. [ there is no patriotism in her small body. ] I do have a conscience.
[ she wouldn't say it's basic human decency that's holding her back, though. that doesn't feel quite right. it's not something she's examined too deeply, if only because it's not something she's been made to consider. ]
More than that, it's a duty I have to honor and I can't leave the people I care about like that.
it is difficult to say she understands scien in this memory, but she does understand certain parts. she understands the starvation even if her response to days and weeks of it is almost the opposite of his. she understands repayment.
it is interesting to witness when she thinks scien is a prideful man. she holds back from asking him if he's dead even without the ship's interference and asks instead: ]
he's not as skittish as everyone else regarding his life, honestly a straightforward person to a fault. so it's why he can answer her question without hesitating or feeling embarrassed]
Yes.
I wouldn't have done it if I didn't find it to be worthwhile to begin with.
Even though everything you were working for was burning around you? [ even maybe at the cost of his own life? ] Why?
[ there is paying back debts, but this is a little extreme. she doesn't think he's wrong for choosing it, but she doesn't understand it coming from him specifically. ]
[to scien, it's exactly as it appears. it is a matter of paying back debts.]
His family saved both myself and the country at large. His grandfather was a collaborator of mine, and I'm not the type of person who forgets debts.
[rather, scien is helped so rarely in his life and interacts with people as little as possible that it's easy to keep track of who makes an impression on him]
I imagined both of us were going to die then, but if his was preventable, I was going to prevent it.
[ it's not quite confusion or disbelief or wonder. it's not a concept she's never considered. it's more like she's saying it to try and roll the thought around in her head like a water wheel. ]
If I left him there, he definitely would've died. His heart wasn't beating.
Since I intervened, he rallied enough so that his last moments could be spent trying to get to his lover. Even though I thought he would most likely die before he even reached her.
[all those things are true. so many things were stacked against yves.
but.]
But yes. I want him to live. I want him to be well and healthy and stupid, even if I never saw him again.
I don't harm good men. [a beat] I don't harm most people, really. It has always been my intention to preserve life. What they think of me matters little.
[scien will go the extra mile for yves, that's true. there is a personal tie there. but scien's intention to give salvation to others is all-encompassing, even though his personality is horrible.]
I was. Someone came to my aid, though I didn't expect it. I intend to continue my work, one way or another.
[ she thinks saving and not harming are two different things. he could very well leave people alone, for as much as he seems to not care for them. things start to make a little more sense to her.
does she fully understand scien? no. does she want to? debatable, but it's harder to dislike him now. ]
It won't be difficult to rebuild what you lost to that fire?
It will be difficult to get fully back online, but it is nonetheless necessary. People still die to the curse each day, and our Institute is the only hope they have of continuing on.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w3 monday
no subject
uh oh.
she won't look at scien once the memory is over. ]
no subject
he watches the memory with his same, passive expression. he isn't the type of person to get emotional in any situation, and this is the same. even if he feels like he has a better understanding of that conversation they had all those weeks ago.
so he brings back an old question:]
You would still return to your home after this tour?
no subject
I would die. Were I not here in the belly and had not killed and was not executed, if I did not return, I would die.
You, with your goal of preserving life, would you choose to die?
no subject
[he'd seen the memory. the repetition. there’s nothing anyone can ever do to change that. but is this not already a deviation from anything she'd ever expected?]
Our situations cannot be compared. [in terms of what he would choose or not. even if he is more aware of her context, he doesn't believe in constraints.] All I can say is that when I was given a deadline of twenty-three years of age, I defied it. Even though everyone ridiculed my father and grandfather saying that the curse of Death could not be helped.
no subject
The nanites or whatever are interfering.
[ being nerfed is saving her life, probably. ]
There has been some research done in how to free the Raven Consort, but it has not been fruitful yet. My life is not attached to my country. I learned more than what was in that memory not too long ago.
[ scien does not believe in constraints, but all shouxue knows are constraints. ]
Your circumstances may have led you to extend your life, but for now, trying to extricate me from what makes me the Raven Consort would rip my soul apart.
no subject
Then replicate the suppressing effect of the nanites through a different method, and expel the actual thing from your body.
[he says it so simply, but that is again the decision making of a man who was regarded as a god]
You know that there is some form of freedom that exists. Why let it slip you by to return to a fate you no longer want?
no subject
I do not think it is so simple because once Niao Lian chooses her next Winter King, the previous dies not long after she is left behind.
[ there is more to it, but she is not quite ready to acknowledge or admit it quite yet. ]
And there is no guarantee she will choose a next one even if we could be separated like you suggest. I could not shoulder my country collapsing because I wanted to be free.
[ she has a conscience, unfortunately. ]
no subject
but it'd be different if he felt confined so obviously.]
Do you like your country? Or is it the idea of basic human decency that you can't stand the idea of having so many deaths fall upon your shoulders?
no subject
[ she wouldn't say it's basic human decency that's holding her back, though. that doesn't feel quite right. it's not something she's examined too deeply, if only because it's not something she's been made to consider. ]
More than that, it's a duty I have to honor and I can't leave the people I care about like that.
[ she has a responsibility to them, too. ]
no subject
If you believe that to be enough.
[since it seems to be holding her back from her own life.
but the void shifts, and this time it's scien's turn to talk a bit about duty, debts, and not caring about the whole but perhaps just a few is enough.
Bread is the main food I consume. ]
no subject
it is difficult to say she understands scien in this memory, but she does understand certain parts. she understands the starvation even if her response to days and weeks of it is almost the opposite of his. she understands repayment.
it is interesting to witness when she thinks scien is a prideful man. she holds back from asking him if he's dead even without the ship's interference and asks instead: ]
Was it worth it?
no subject
he's not as skittish as everyone else regarding his life, honestly a straightforward person to a fault. so it's why he can answer her question without hesitating or feeling embarrassed]
Yes.
I wouldn't have done it if I didn't find it to be worthwhile to begin with.
no subject
[ there is paying back debts, but this is a little extreme. she doesn't think he's wrong for choosing it, but she doesn't understand it coming from him specifically. ]
no subject
[to scien, it's exactly as it appears. it is a matter of paying back debts.]
His family saved both myself and the country at large. His grandfather was a collaborator of mine, and I'm not the type of person who forgets debts.
[rather, scien is helped so rarely in his life and interacts with people as little as possible that it's easy to keep track of who makes an impression on him]
I imagined both of us were going to die then, but if his was preventable, I was going to prevent it.
no subject
[ it's not quite confusion or disbelief or wonder. it's not a concept she's never considered. it's more like she's saying it to try and roll the thought around in her head like a water wheel. ]
Even though you said he'd likely still die.
no subject
Since I intervened, he rallied enough so that his last moments could be spent trying to get to his lover. Even though I thought he would most likely die before he even reached her.
[all those things are true. so many things were stacked against yves.
but.]
But yes. I want him to live. I want him to be well and healthy and stupid, even if I never saw him again.
no subject
[ if he was stupid but attracted enough of scien's interest and attention for him to care for him to live. ]
no subject
[he wants that to be clear. who yves was aside from that is slightly more incidental. sort of.]
... but he is a good man. Quintessentially good. Altruistic, kind, and clever.
The type of person who is fated to oppose me.
[and yet, despite this, scien is so entirely aware he would choose to save yves every single time]
no subject
[ whether that's an objective or subjective classification. whether or not there is a debt they need to repay. ]
Scien, were you alive before you woke up on this ship?
no subject
[scien will go the extra mile for yves, that's true. there is a personal tie there. but scien's intention to give salvation to others is all-encompassing, even though his personality is horrible.]
I was. Someone came to my aid, though I didn't expect it. I intend to continue my work, one way or another.
no subject
does she fully understand scien? no. does she want to? debatable, but it's harder to dislike him now. ]
It won't be difficult to rebuild what you lost to that fire?
no subject
It will be difficult to get fully back online, but it is nonetheless necessary. People still die to the curse each day, and our Institute is the only hope they have of continuing on.
[so it's not a matter of 'if' but 'when'....]
no subject
[ which means she believes he'll get it done if they ever get off this ship.
it's a when to him, but it's still an if to her. ]
no subject
I limit my focus to accomplish what's necessary, and nothing more.
[he really means it when he says that what other people think of him isn't all that relevant to him]
(no subject)
(no subject)